One day on approach to Singapore

News item: Texting Pilot Forgets to Lower Gear

Note to haters and lawyers: this is a joke, not the actual transcript.  Thank you.  Joke continues.  

CVR transcript of Jetstar 320

PF = Pilot Flying, or in this case Pilot Forgetting

PM = Pilot Monitoring, or in this case Pilot: Moron

ATC = duh, ATC

ATC: Jetstar 320, cross MORON intersection at 2000 feet, contact tower MORON inbound.

PM: Mmmmmm.

PF: You need to push the PTT button.

PM: (click) Uhhhhhhh, roger, MORON inbound uhhhhhh (freq change)

PM: Signapore tower, Jetstar 320 MORON inbound for the visual RWY12R.

(stone cold silence)

PM: Ooops, tuned the NAV radio. No wonder I couldn’t get the whole freq in. Stand by.

(fiddle fiddle fiddle)

PM: Signapore tower, likeiwuzsayin, Jetstar 320 MORON inbound for the visual RWY12R.

ATC: Jetstar 320, runway 30L is in use.

PM: Yeah that’s what I meant. 30R.

ATC: 30L.

PM: Sure.

ATC: Jetstar 320, do you have the airport in sight?

PM: The Singapore Airport?

ATC: Yes.

PM: Why yes I do.

ATC: Good. Make straight in for RWY 30L, check wheels down, follow a Spruce Goose on a 2 mile final.

PM: Searching.

PF: Before landing check.

PM: Speaking of landing, what you want to eat here, they have that pizza place right by the gate.

PF: Should I get my own flaps or what?

PM: No, I was going to get the supreme, I hadn’t got the flaps before.

PF: BIRDS!

PM: Huh?

WHAPWHAPWHAPSCHMACKTHUMPTHUD (yaw) (compressor stall)

PF: We should write that up.

PM: Screw that, one more leg and I’m going home. Maintenance can figure it out.

ATC: Jetstar 320, previously issued traffic is clearing at taxiway C, cleared to land RWY 30L, where are you parking?

PM: We’ll be parking at the terminal.

ATC: ??????

BAM BAM BAM BAM

PM: Whose banging on the cockpit door now?

PF: Oh, we have a non-rev Jet Blue captain deadheading in first class.

(sounds of screams, religious ranting, flight attendants kung fu fighting)

PF: Did you ever get that before landing checklist?

PM: What? I got a text.

PF: Dang, we’re hot on this approach. Flaps 90.

PM: Maybe it’ll make up for that time we lost after we left the gear down on climb out for fifty miles.

PF: Yeah, we’ll never do that again.

(gear warning horn silenced by PM)

PF: Are we cleared to land?

PM: Lemme ask, I turned the volume down.

PF: You turned tower down? Arm speed brakes, we got a tailwind or something.

ATC: (slow fade up to normal volume) JETSTAR 320, do you require assistance?

PM (texting) We got it, we’re a little busy here.

ATC: Roger, rolling crash.

PM: 10-4.

PM: Oh. Hey, Singapore tower, did you text me a minute ago?

ATC: YES I SAID CHECK GEAR DOWN YOUR GEAR IS UP AGGGGGGH.

PM: Oh. Well I guess we’ll go around, as the article stated, at 720 feet we are too low to extend the landing gear. Got the high skid package on this one.

ATC: Jetstar 320 GO AROUND GO AROUND GO AROUND.

PF: Going around.

PM: Tower, do you know that it costs our airline $2000 every time we go around?

ATC: Roger, give me $5000 worth - direct MORON and hold.

For the record I would like to state that all these conversations are fictitious and I would never do anything like this.